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The daily commute

The daily commute

TrafficHaving a company car is one of those double-edged perks that a decent job delivers. I mean, it’s great, don’t get me wrong: the gas prices are at most an indifferent topic for you, ditto for insurance, and you don’t get too mad if someone puts a dent in your door. Ok, I lied. Pick two out of those three.

But it’s not car ownership that got me thinking today. It’s that personal hell, that home-away-from-home (at least, if you were born in a caravan, that is), that quality time you get to spend with your fellow nine-to-fivers, namely, the daily commute.

Thinking about it in pure practical terms, it’s an absolute waste. You get to drive daily for an unspecified amount of time (x2), burning fuel and wasting away those minutes with nothing more intelligent to do than holding a wheel and dodging fellow commuters. An occasional trucker may liven up things a little by overtaking on a two-lane road, but all in all it’s a pretty dull experience. Oh, it WAS fun, at least for the first couple of months, while you learned the best time to leave home or work in order to miss some of the worse jams, or, say, those little-known shortcuts that you just had to share with half the office. Yes, they do seem more crowded nowadays, wonder why… But I digress.

After a while you even get tired of the little games. Like calculating in your head the statistic probability that the driver that’s tailgating you is actually a woman. 12.57%. Of which there’s more than 86.12% chance that she’s a lesbian, or a man trapped in a woman’s body as a dire consequence of weird transcorporalization exercises. Unproven, of course. You even get tired of playing around with the cruise control (did you know that you can actually engage cruise in 1st gear? Eat this, creeping traffic!). Reading books or gaming are both out of the question, being either to dull or too dangerous for early morning traffic. So… what to do?

Fortunately I compiled a list of things that may liven up your commute, and help you survive those dreaded, creeping minutes (that feel like hours, really) when you’re stuck in a jam and doing a stepping workout with the clutch and gas pedal. Here it is:

  • Rock-paper-scissors. The easiest is to play with the fellow motorist driving alongside you. Especially great when negotiating right-of-way. Only applicable for traffic jams.
  • Random radio. Listen to every station you have on your presets for exactly one minute. You can use the car’s digital clock to time it. If you don’t have one, use the car’s odometer, and listen to every station for exactly one kilometer. For extra points, try it on the hour (DJ News).
  • Legal road warrior. Most drivers mentally add 5 to 8 km/h to the legally allowed speed limit on a given road, because they know they can get away with it. Don’t be corrupted by these speed demons! Drive legally! (And watch them boil in frustration in your rear view mirror.)
  • Math-fu! Calculate the highest power of 2 that you possibly can IN YOUR OWN HEAD! For bonus points, recite the value to your coworkers once back in the office, and ask them to check its accuracy. This one I stole from Orson Scott Card – he uses it in Ender’s Game.
  • The driver’s salute. During my years as commuter I noticed an intriguing phenomenon: it seems that certain people do notice that they’re being watched (when overtaken, for instance), and they actually turn their heads to look at you in turn. Honor these people with an Army salute. If you don’t feel confident enough to perform the salute, start with a courtly nod and work your way up. Don’t do this in a mocking manner though; people are easily ticked off and serious consequences may ensue from the subsequent road-rage attack on their part.

There are undoubtfully other, more interesting ways of livening up your daily commute. They may or may not involve water pistols, cue cards or masks of dead presidents. All I’m asking is that you check if whatever you decide to use is legal in your place of residence. I hear math may soon be outlawed in certain states, along with the theory of evolution.

Drive safely!

I’m doomed

I’m doomed

CourtroomYes. Doomed. The great dude in the sky is watching, and he’s mighty pissed, let me tell ya, boy. Wait till he gets his hands on you, they said. Boiling for eternity can be a pretty gruesome pastime.

Who’s “they”, I hear you ask? They’re your only hope, Obi Wan. Apparently it’s what they’ve witnessed that makes them so bloody righteous – or at least it’s something that some dude witnessed some hundred years ago. Then he told someone, who told some other guy, and pretty soon you got some serious serial witnessing going on. And yesterday they came to witness my sheer ignorance of what the first dude said.

I must admit, I’m a sucker for clichés. Ranging from the mild “what, you’ve lost HIM again?” to the obscure “I’m not sure my religion is legal in this country”. Like you, I’ve read them all and laughed about it, while secretly wondering whatever could motivate these guys to get up in the morning and go at it, knowing full well that they’ll encounter mostly laughter and scorn. However, when facing the golden opportunity, I cracked. I was all polite and stuff, the smiling and firm heathen stereotype, if you know what I mean. I even managed to dodge the complimentary brochure and sent them on their way in less than two minutes. It was a great show of civil behavior. Man, how could I miss such a chance! I’m still cringing inside.

The question remains though. How do they do it? Is it a form of penance, being verbally abused all day long? Or are most people like me, missing their chances, and the ones who are actually doing it are few and far between? Talking about it, I hear that religion can offer great support in times of need – and seeing these guys on the street, I tend to believe it. Is it the right kind of support though? Good question.

In the mean time, I’m doomed. Toast. Marshmallows. Can you grasp the sheer size of it? I mean, even HE won’t forgive me for missing such an opportunity. Oh man.

The greatest game

The greatest game

Dead moneyWe came pretty far ahead of our mammoth-hunting ancestors, don’t you think? I mean, we’ve got cars and jobs and ready-made meals and television and airplanes… not to mention Internet. We’re doin’ alright, friend. At least those of us who got money.

The dough. The ice. The cold-hard cash. Whatever you want to call it, it spins the world around, and takes our lives along for the ride. The loot. The little pieces of paper (or plastic for some). The greatest game we ever invented for ourselves.

In the beginning we had hunters. Hunters brought the prey back to the cave, paying it in full with wounds and hardship and often enough the lives of other hunters. They sat, ate their fill and received the tender love and praise of the rest of the tribe, as well as a right to choose from the goods made out of the unlucky animal. It was called trade.

Later communities grew. We discovered agriculture, and traded our grains for the fruits and beasts of the forests. We made markets, where people could meet and exchange what they had. But you know all of this. Fast-forward when the first money was born. The king placed a stamp of approval – namely his word – on a piece of hard-to-find metal. Or seashells. Or ochre. Whatever the medium, people started believing that money had an intrinsic value, something to strive for, work for, risk one’s life for, and even kill, if necessary.  That’s where it all started.

At least we all agreed to measure it against something. That something was gold. At least for a while, all the money in the world were covered by, and could be converted to gold. People did not want gold for its sake – some argue it is “pretty”, but I’ve personally never seen the aesthetic value of a lump of cold metal. You couldn’t even use it for something useful (aside from some applications in microelectronics and high-end audio, but those where out of the question back then). But the mere fact that everyone suddenly wanted it made its value frighteningly real.

Anyway. Nowadays we don’t even have this feeble link to reality. The money stopped being related to one country’s gold treasure, and started being valued against its GDP. For those of you not into economics, that’s an imaginary value obtained by selling everything a country produces within a year. Furthermore, this number is sometimes “adjusted” by some countries upwards – to be able to obtain certain advantages on the foreign capital markets. We even invented a whole new science – the aforementioned economy – just to deal with this imaginary world. And, speaking of economy? Its anything but.

Economic growth, you heard that one? Let’s say it’s 11% this year, but it was 12% last year, and economists say that company or country is slowing down. But wait a minute, isn’t this percentage based on the numbers of previous year? Why, yes it is. Let’s see that again in slo-mo, shall we? Say that you started with 100 bucks. First year you had 12% growth, so at the end of it you were worth 100 + 100 *12% = 112 bucks. Net difference: 12 bucks. With me so far? This year you have “only” 11% growth, so 112 + 112*11% = 124.32. Net difference: 12.32 bucks. Ain’t economy wonderful?

This is the greatest game ever invented. Generations lived and died by it, and chances are you will too. The Europeans wiped out whole civilizations in the name of the great game. Americans are poised to do the same. We grow up learning about the value of money, and we spend all our adult life in touch with it in one way or another. Want proof that it is all a game? Have a look at airline ticket prices to your favorite destination, and answer me this: why is it that the same flight, with the same plane, eating approximately the same amount of kerosene is costing SO much more if you’re flying back the next day? Or on Christmas eve? Because economics dictates it to be so. The law of supply and demand presently demands that you supply twice the sum for a business trip. Halleluja.

Could it be otherwise? I wonder. Jack Vance imagines in his story “The Moon Moth” a world where prestige is all the currency there is, and prestige is gained through daring deeds and personal qualities. Another view – in another book I’ve read lately, Cory Doctorow‘s “Down and out in the magic kingdom” – speaks about whuffie points, which they can earn by contributing to society. Both books are quite enjoyable, and both systems are unlikely to ever replace currency in our daily lives. And that’s a shame, really, because we need the change. We’re so absorbed by the economic aspect that we are literally frying up this planet because it’s economically sound to do so.

En fin. I’d love to sit and chat some more, but I gotta get back to work. What can I say? I need the money.

PS. By the way, some things in life really are free. Cory’s book is available for download, just follow the magic link and see for yourself.